You know what, I’m gonna type it out. Because why? You can never really feel like you can tell anything or confide yourself into somebody without feeling like you’re being judged and your pain being invalidated.
This is how I feel…
Actually, I don’t know how to feel. Because If I say I’m hurt, I’m overreacting and blowing things out of proportion, and I mean afterall… it was MY FAULT anyway wasn’t it? I can’t seem upset or be heartbroken by it because I have to put on a big girl strong attitude like people always think I have because I hardly ever show any type of emotions nor do I open up easily.
Okay yes, I understand, It’s not worth my time dwelling over and being sad about. But you know what? It’s not that easy to get over. Don’t brush it off and laugh about it, you wouldn’t be happy if you were put in to this kind of situation.
Do you know how often I even let myself open up and put my trust in to somebody? Not often at all.
I grew up with such a bad mentality and pessimistic attitude, never felt like guys could be trusted. Never depended on any type of guy, never felt like guys were able to take care of womyn or should have to. Felt like it was a Womyn’s job to handle shit on her own, and of course there isn’t anything wrong with that. Usually girls like to find a partner/significant other way different from their dad, but I was never like that. I was never the type to try and search for something. ( I know, this is weird, I’m only 18, I still have a lot of time in my life, but still. Growing up this far in my life already with such a negative view towards men, isn’t good ) I never felt the need to be obligated to be in a relationship nor could I ever see myself in one because I look up to my Mother so fucking much.
I felt like, ” If my mom can do it, then so can I, I don’t need any guy, I have friends and family ” and it’s true, that is how I still see it.
But you, guys like you and my dad and all the guys before that have fucked around with my feelings, all the guys that brainwashed my sisters, and played them as well, are the reason I have such a hard time opening up and you fucked it all up once again.
And don’t get offended guy friends. I know there’s good guys out there, sometimes it’s just hard to believe it, and trust me, there are evil girls out here too. I know I have good guy friends who do have a lot of respect for womyn, but how I was raised and things I’ve witnessed growing up, I have such a bad mentality that GUYS CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
For some reason, my heart hasn’t been aching and I’ve been handling it a lot better than I thought I would. Maybe because it was too much shit to take in I’m still in disbelief right now. But thanks for wasting my months on you fucker, lol jk.
Maybe the reason why I’m not completely down in the dumps is because after having a bomb dropped on me, this whole time it was all lies.. therefor, there’s no reason to be sad over somebody you never really had in the first place.
I do miss our conversations and it actually felt good to know what it felt like to have somebody care about you and check up on you EVERY SINGLE DAY. Me telling you A LOT OF PERSONAL SHIT. You telling me A LOT ALSO. All our conversations and time we spent do not mean anything anymore. Knowing that, that was all just games now, it hella sucks that I had to be put in this situation. I’m not even gonna bother to go in to detail because of how much of a complicated and fucked up situation it was.
But you fucked with my feelings, fuck you. You know how much of a hard time I have opening up to guys too. And the thing that bothers me so much is that I tried dropping you, I ended up trying to help you and give you advice AS A FRIEND. I hate that I still care about you as a friend when you lied and deceived and betrayed me so badly.
Makes me so mad I was in this kind of situation. And makes me so upset also she and I met up at MY FUCKING ORIENTATION. Sharing stories, piecing everything together. It’s like one those things you would watch in a movie LOL. No but seriously -.-…. You hella bullshitted me saying you were genuine and your feelings were sincere. You have a big ass way with your words and makes me so mad that people actually believe the shit you say >:OOO!!!! After all the evidence too oh my fuck lord. Fucked up my orientation, I couldn’t even enjoy my time there and socialize, I couldn’t even eat. It was such a shitty time. Even though I could have controlled that, still, that was A LOT TO TAKE IN.
it still is a lot to take in. I know, it’s not worth my time dwelling over, I’ll get over it, I’ll meet new people in college, Ive been through more worse situations, BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHH.
Time will mend my heart again. Just like how it’s mended my heart from other pain. But for now.. I just have to wake up everyday and accept what happened was real and realize I lost somebody that was going to be significant to my life.
Well, you are significant to my life. ” Everybody that walks in to your life has a reason. They’re either a lesson, or a blessing “
I don’t know why I’m sad over somebody I never really had in the first place now that this was all fake. I think I’m actually more just mad at myself because I let myself confide in to somebody when i told myself TO NOT.
Ah shit toast. Just felt like I had to let out my frustration one last time.
I understand I’m HELLA young, there’s a lot of there I have not experienced yet. But let me just say,
If you have somebody good, somebody real good to you. Respects you and can handle you at your bad times too and struggles with you, let them know you appreciate them, even if it’s just a text message. It’s really rare to find honest loyal and faithful people nowadays, because there will be people like me, who have trust issues, and people like him, who are young themselves and enjoys fucking around because just like how I am not obligated to be in a relationship, people like that/my dad also don’t feel obligated to commit themselves to anybody, and would take advantage of your trust right before your eyes NO MATTER how smart you thought you were before getting yourself in to something or how much of a wall you built.
Again, not all guys are the same I understand that. But not everybody grows to to fully believe that also. What I’m saying is, there are lots of deceiving people out here. I feel like I have to be even more cautious of who I even trust now. I was like at a 3 on a scale of 1-10 of trusting. Now I’m at a negative 2 of ever wanting to open up again because I never thought I was gonna be put in this type of similar situation once again, I thought I was being smart. lol.